Cobra Commander Verses The Internet
by Red Witch
Summary: Cobra Commander is a bit miffed at what he finds online.


**The Internet has the disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters. Recent news has inspired this bit of madness. **

**Cobra Commander Verses The Internet**

"THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" Cobra Commander screamed at the television and threw a remote at it. "THIS IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF GARBAGE I HAVE EVER SEEN!"

"What's got the Commander's panties in a twist **this** time?" Torch asked. The Dreadnoks and the rest of the Cobra High Command were in the room.

"Interesting choice of words, Torch," Cobra Commander glared at him. "What I am referring to is the deplorable turn of events in the state of New York and the shameful actions of the now deposed governor. How could a man elected to an office of high esteem on a platform of reform and cleaning up the corruption of public office fall to the very same corruption he has sworn to **eradicate?** How could such a man, a family man, a man that was once considered a possible candidate for president of the United States of America take thousands of dollars and squander it on **prostitutes?** Particularly prostitutes with the musical taste of a cockroach!"

"And you're mad because you can't get in on it right?" Torch asked.

"You hit the nail on proverbial head, Torch," Destro sighed.

"You see this is why I **hate** the internet!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Every time I get a good piece of blackmail on someone, somehow it gets leaked to the world before I get a chance to **use **it!"

"I agree. Whatever happened to the good old days when public figures were able to keep their private life **private** by threats, payoffs and intimidation of media figures?" Destro sighed. "It was a simpler time. A more dignified time."

"A much more **lucrative** time!" Cobra Commander yelled. "In the old days I could have gotten at least a few months worth of graft from a scandal like this! Enough to pay for a hot tub in my office! Now best I can get is a cup full of tepid water to heat up a tea bag."

"They got everything on the Internet nowadays," Zarana said. "They even got that hooker's song on the net and it's already climbing up on the charts!"

"I know it would have been useful back in the 80's," Mindbender sighed. "There is so much research on genetics and splicing DNA and bomb making directions. It's a mad scientist's dream!"

"Your dream, my nightmare!" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Every time I think of a good idea to make money, someone on the web beats me to it! Well that and the ten thousand videos of my soldiers either break dancing or hitting each other with pieces of wood."

"It's unbelievable what they have on there," Destro sighed. "Even AOL was able to post the secret code of the Cosa Nostra. The rules of conduct which good members of the Mafia lived by and never spoke was on AOL for everyone to see along with a poll you could vote on which rule was your **favorite!**"

"I agree," The Baroness sighed. "It is not as easy as it used to be to hide information."

"Depends on how you use it," Zartan said. "True the Internet is a double edged sword but used carefully Cobra's business could grow."

"Hey look! I can see our headquarters from space!" Monkeywrench said cheerfully as he played on a computer nearby. "Cool!"

"Oh for crying out…" Cobra Commander stormed over to the computer. "Is there anything you **can't **Google anymore?"

"Hey! Let's do that!" Torch shouted. "Put in Cobra Commander and see what you get!"

"Oh for crying out loud," Cobra Commander snapped. "I am a mysterious leader of a secret terrorist organization determined to rule the world! How much could there **be **on there?"

"According to this at least 126,000 articles," Zarana blinked.

"WHAT?" Cobra Commander yelled. "THAT MANY?"

"Actually that's pretty low for the Internet," Zartan told him. "I mean most celebrities get at least a couple million. Even that evil mother on Three and a Quarter Guys as more than you do."

"Oh thanks a lot for **that** information!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Look at this link right here," Monkeywrench clicked on one link.

"What the devil is this?" Cobra Commander yelled. "I Hate Cobra Commander Dot Com? Wait…Is this what I **think** it is?"

"It seems some of our employees has found a…creative way of vocalizing their complaints about the way you run the Cobra organization," Destro grimaced.

"I gotta put this on my favorites list!" Torch shouted.

"Me too!" Ripper agreed.

"Forget it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What kind of lies are being spread on this…? Oh for crying out loud! I do not watch chick flicks and cry at sad movies!"

"Wait a minute…You did kind of tear up at Old Yeller when the kid blew the dog away," Monkeywrench said.

"I did **not** 'tear up'," Cobra Commander snarled. "I had a slight cold and had a stuffed nose! And I dare you to prove otherwise!"

"It is kind of hard to tell with that helmet he wears most of the time," Zarana admitted.

"I can't believe this! They allow this filth online?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"You should see all the **other **filth they put online," Monkeywrench chuckled.

"Look at all this!" Cobra Commander snapped as he shoved Monkeywrench aside and scrolled through the website. "Thousands of pages filled with nameless drones and cowardly fools hiding behind the anonymity of the world wide web to defame my good name!"

"Since when did **you** ever have a **good name?"** The Baroness asked.

"All right, defame my **bad name!"** Cobra Commander snapped. "Look at all these fools complaining about my weight, my plans for world domination…AND I DO NOT SMELL! I TAKE SHOWERS EVERY DAY!"

"Uh sir, you do apply that new cologne of yours rather liberally," Mindbender coughed.

"It attracts the ladies!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Yeah lady **skunks**!" The Baroness snickered.

"Speaking of which it appears that some of our enemies have also discovered this web site," Destro pointed to the screen.

"GI Joe Third In Command…And Flint Lover…Gee I wonder who **they** could be?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically as he read the names of those who wrote something. "Hot Joe Sailor…And some nut named RW…Apparently that last one writes stupid little fan fictions that have me being harassed by my subordinates and makes me look stupid!"

"Pretty uncanny if you ask me," Destro whispered to the Baroness.

"Hold on, there's even a store of some kind on this website!" Cobra Commander looked at it. "I Hate Cobra Commander T-Shirts, mugs, pencils…PUPPET SHOW VIDEOS!"

"JACKPOT!" Torch shouted. "Anybody got a credit card?"

"Does it matter if it's stolen?" Buzzer asked as he rifled through his pockets.

"What do **you** think?" Torch gave him a look.

"All right! That's it! I want this website shut down **right now!"** Cobra Commander screamed like a girl. "Crimson Guard! I am entrusting you with the responsibility of finding out who is responsible for this media monstrosity and give them a slow painful death!"

The twins gave each other a shifty look. "Uh yes…" Xamot gulped.

"We'll get right on it," Tomax added, looking equally guilty.

Fortunately for them Cobra Commander was too preoccupied at looking at what else was on line. "This is insufferable! I must find a way to shut down this Internet and control all the information on it! That way no one can use it to make fun of me again!"

"Actually Commander you already **did **that," Monkeywrench pointed at the screen. "See it's number eight on the list of Things Cobra Commander Almost Got Right But Screwed Up At The Last Minute."

"Yes but that was back when the Internet first started and it was only used by a bunch of geeks!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Okay what's on this link? Oh…What's **this?** A Destro is A Dork website!"

**"What?"** Destro growled.

"Look! Here's a picture of Destro as a teenager!" Zartan snickered. "Now that is amusing!"

"HOW DID THEY GET **THAT** PICTURE?" Destro screamed.

"Whoa look at the zit farm!" Buzzer laughed.

"Man Destro if your face still looks like that now, no wonder you **still **wear a mask!" Torch laughed.

"Listen you braying ass!" Destro snarled. "I was going through a very difficult adolescence and…WHY AM I EXPLAINING THIS TO YOU? WHO WOULD DARE HUMILIATE ME LIKE THIS?"

"The website's run by a Countess DeCobray," Zarana read. "Hey, ain't that one of **your** aliases Baroness?"

"That explains this long list of theories why Destro has commitment issues," Mindbender smiled.

"BARONESS! HOW COULD YOU?" Destro roared.

"It was surprisingly easy," The Baroness smugly replied.

"All right, I admit **this** is amusing," Cobra Commander snickered.

"How could you write about our most private and intimate details and put them on the web for everyone to see?" Destro yelled.

"Private? Everyone knows about how you have been stringing me along all these years! If you want to talk private perhaps you should take a look at what is on your website! In particular your home page! You know, the one with you on a yacht surrounded by all those bimbos in **bikinis?**"

"That was only for a promotional bit," Destro fumed. "Just to make me look good! I paid those girls to model…"

"Did you pay them to model with their **tops **off in your private cabin too or was that extra?" The Baroness snapped.

"Uh what's the name of your domain page Destro?" Cobra Commander asked. Destro and the Baroness glared at him. "Never mind, I'll look it up."

"Every time I ask you if you want to spend some time alone together on that stupid yacht you always make up an excuse that you are too busy!" The Baroness snapped. "Busy doing what? Watching some hussy prance around on your tiger striped bedspread?"

"How do you know what bedspread is on…?" Destro asked.

"IT'S ON THE VIDEO!" The Baroness snapped.

"Ooh we gotta put this fight in **our** video section on our website!" Buzzer chuckled as he grabbed a camera.

"You have a website too?" Cobra Commander yelled. "Does **everyone** on this planet have a website now?"

"Pretty much yeah," Torch nodded. Suddenly there was a noise. "Uh oh…Oh great the net's down again!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE NET IS DOWN?" Cobra Commander yelled. "GET THAT SIGNAL BACK UP THERE!"

"Uh Commander…?" Destro blinked. "I thought you **wanted **the Internet to be shut off?"

"Not **now!**" Cobra Commander snapped. "Not when I **want **it to work!"

"Yeah! We wanna see the topless bimbos!" Torch said.

"I wanna see the boat," Ripper said. "Well the inside of the cabin. I've been thinking about redecorating my room and from what you describe I might wanna do it in tiger stripes too!"

"You know there is such a thing as **too much** information," Destro sighed.


End file.
